Crime and Punishment

One of the hot issues in our household the last few months is how we should discipline our three-year-old son, Lulu. Overall he is a good kid, even adorable. He has a good sense of right and wrong and what's dangerous for him. He loves telling us to call the firemen when he thinks something has gone wrong ("apelle numero 18!"), and he is not shy in telling us when he thinks Mama and Papa have not been nice to each other. However, on any given day, he mocks us, he deliberately ignores our warnings and he laughs at our attempts to punish him.

Up till last week, we were at a total loss as to what to do. We had just tried the yellow card/red card punishment system (based on rugby sin bins) in which he gets sent to his room for a yellow card and he gets a spank on the bottom for a red card. That didn't really work because his behaviour following the punishment didn't improve -- he went right back to disobeying us. Before that, we had tried negative incentives, positive incentives, the naughty bed, the naughty corner and the naughty bench. We had also tried keeping him emprisoned in our arms for two minutes as a punishment (as he is so active and hates to sit down). What hadn't we tried?

I shared the problem two weeks ago with the women's bible study group I attend, and then Hubbie and I talked about it again last week when I broke down in tears. It became clear it was with me that he was especially naughty.

It wasn't that we didn't do things together. I went swimming with Lulu, just him and me, without Hubbie or Gaby. But at the end of that he acted up again. On several occasions I did creative activities with him whilst Gaby was sleeping. None of this seemed to help his behaviour improve.

Since he turned three, or possibly since his little sister arrived in June, he has been extremely disobedient. Yet he has not demonstrated any jealousy towards her; he is affectionate and protective. It is evident that the relationship between Lulu and me has changed, though.

That was when we thought, hold on, when he disobeys, he gets me to spend more time with him, to insist for the umpteenth time he do what he refuses to do, or to scold him for what he shouldn't do. To dress him because he suddenly goes limp. To help him use the toilet because otherwise he'll have an accident. To feed him because otherwise he won't eat. Even if I am angry with him, he wants that extra time with me. He wants me around him, even if it's negative. He wants me, he wants my time.

So clearly then, what is now the most effective punishment for his crimes? Ironically, I just needed to go limp and disappear, to remove myself from the situation completely, or to threaten to do so, in order for him to stop being so naughty. When Papa is around, I ask him to do what I would have done, and Lulu loses that time with me. When Papa isn't around, I use the threat of disinvolvement.

Poor Papa, at times, still needs to use the Papa Prison. His arms are a lot stronger now because of it.

For me, the "disinvolvement" is working. At least for now. The great thing is, Lulu grows so fast, he will outsmart us. So the punishment may not fit the crime come next week!